ciins

insomaniac

2010-08-25T02:13:00.000+08:00

one true friend

2010-07-22T19:26:00.002+08:00

i love you zul! you're my one true friend and i will always rmb these wonderful words you told me,
"when you're down think of rainbows and ice creams and good food and good companion with a good lepak place."
"remember you are not alone in this there are others who went thru worst take some time and find contentment ok! be THE BIGGER BITCH IN LIFE OK!"

shits like this

2010-07-10T03:30:00.003+08:00

it is really annoying when no matter how hard u try to be righteous and a good person, people always have this mindset that you're not.
I don't drink, I don't club, I don't wear revealing clothes and definitely I don't sleep around with some random guy. I know my limits. I have my pride. But what can I do? Ppl are just judgmental. very exhausting indeed. some of my friends even say that I'm just too nice that's why people took advantage of that. But is it wrong to be nice? Is it wrong to care about others?
I still love my parents, my family. I respect them the way they need to be respected. But people thought that I'm wild. WTF. And they dare come to me and tell me that I have no feelings. I've seen enough of my parents' tears. I've seen hell in my family, but still I can never go by a day without talking or looking at my beautiful parents. The years when my mum shed tears for her children, from one heartbreak to another. I've seen enough. Don't you dare tell me that I got no idea.
That is why every mistakes and problems I have, I try to solve it on my own. I don't want my parents to worry about me. There is already a lot of things on their mind to think about. So certain things I just don't want them to get involved.
what shits you gave me, I patiently accept it and try to improve myself. What more do you want from me? money? fuck. Everyone has a point to start off with their career and I have yet to even finish school. Stop telling me to settle down and get married already. it's still a long way to go. Aren’t you ppl tired? So typical. oh c'mon! I have yet to turn 21 for goodness sake.

matters of the heart

2010-05-28T22:45:00.001+08:00

“When you smiled you had my undivided attention. When you laughed you had my urge to laugh with you. When you cried you had my urge to hold you. When you said you loved me, you had my heart forever.”

2010-04-23T00:11:00.002+08:00

your critics i'll try much to avoid.

letters to love

2010-04-02T00:46:00.003+08:00

mum & dad,
I'm sorry to disappoint you.
I've tried my best, but it ain't good enough.
But i'll promise you that I would do something worthwhile with my life.
Your criticism, I know it's unintentional,
I know you both love me that's why.
I'm taking one step at time,
One day you'll understand,
one day you'll see this daughter of yours all grown-up and successful.
That's a promise.

I love mum & dad.

aint funny like that

2010-03-31T02:58:00.002+08:00

from the way you see it, i may not be as serious about life, but pls bear in mind it aint funny when you talk about me as if you know me. just shut the fuck up!
yes. i may appear normal, free from problems. believe me i have my fair bit of problems. handling it slowly one step at a time by myself.

2010-03-29T01:20:00.002+08:00

Though there are many times u were not the first to be there for me when I have a problem, I know and will always tell myself that yours will be the most comforting.

when you weren't there for me, who do i turn to? even if i have someone to share i still need you. 4+years. I'm dependent on you. I just need you to listen and at the same time cheer me up.

pen it down.

2010-03-27T15:13:00.000+08:00

Life is made up of some happy moments and some sad ones. Neither can one have a life that has only joyous moments, nor is it possible for you to have only grief in your life. Just like two sides of a coin, life also presents us with two sentiments - happiness and sorrow. It is how much are we able to revel in happiness and how quickly we get over the sorrow that decides how we live the moments in our life. While some people suffer from distress silently, others pen it down in words, thus trying to ease the pain a little.

2010-02-08T13:13:00.002+08:00

i swear that one day you'll get tired of all these.

you're acting all diff now. like you dont bother. like u're sick of me. like you have someone else more important.

all grown-up?

2010-02-08T02:47:00.002+08:00

now that we're all grown-up, atleast we think we are. simple things get so much complicated. small issues we fight over. are we really growing older and wiser or is it the other way round? we've become much more sensitive to what others say about us. just paranoia. maybe because of the bad experience that we had, that's why we tend to over-analyzed, misjudged, mistook and assumed that things will turn out bad. or are we too emotionally attached to someone that what they say and do matters so much that it will affect us emotionally and physically. we have put our expectations to these people because we've known them for some time. and if they did not do or say what we expected of them, we sulk on it and all the negative things get into our head. asking whyyy. firstly, we get angry and they thought we are angry for no apparent reason. secondly, we get tired and realise that they just won't get it so, we silently keep it and give them the 'ultimate cold sandwich'. then, we hold grudges and eventually will take revenge, doing or saying the same thing. see. when we grow older, we hide and hold on too much of our emotions that will be harmful to others and especially to ourselves.
so, the thing here i want to bring across is that being all grown-up is not easy. if i have a chance to say something to those younger kidlings, i'd say, "believe me kids, you will not have much fun being an adult as compared to being a kid. so go have fun now, don't be deprive later." :)

i just don't know

2010-01-18T16:35:00.001+08:00

every now and then when i think about my future, im always fearful of what i would become. where would i go from here. how far? how successful or bad would it be?
i just don't know.

2010-01-18T01:39:00.002+08:00

i love my family.
i love my boyfriend.
i love my friends.
i love myself.

mine is the heart that soulfully loves.

what you can see and cant see.

2010-01-13T03:29:00.001+08:00

i've always tried to be a calm person. n i am very calm indeed.
but sometimes i feel that people will take advantage of that.
all these years you said you would never ever do those things you said but you did. after all the trust given, you disappoint me. no wonder you get all paranoid over small things that i did. that i dont even consider as wrong. all this while you've doubted me, but you're the one that i should doubt now. for now i forgave you but i just cant forget. once bitten twice shy. but i love you thats why im giving you this chance to make it up. though its just a compliment, it is wrong to say that. i just want you to realise your mistakes. i dont do things without a reason. dont say that i dont love you as much as you do. dont you dare, i may not be as expressive as you are but im all women and we are full of emotions. im human afterall. but im not typical. i chose to be different. i dont show what i feel inside. its just me being myself. i dont go telling people about my bloody problems because at the end of the day im the one who have to take this test.

2009-01-06T09:10:00.002+08:00

hello world! :)
e start of 2009...hmm.. i guess it start out fine.
paint the new hse, spring cleaning, decorating the hse n....
I GOT A NEW HAIRCUT. heh. damn short. its hassle free. u shud try :)
anw, decorating n painting have always been my favourite part.
furthermore if i do it with great ppl.
my cousin, nana, is really a great help. suke part cuci2 ni semue.
to nana: abeh pat dlm toilet buat ape uh? u knw i knw eh...shhhh!
my new hse in yishun is quite near chong pang n lestari- malay seafood restaurant very convenient. n just 10mins walk from yishun mrt.

anw, will update wif the pathethic pictures we took when we were cleaning the hse :)

YISHUN here i come...

2008-12-23T11:28:00.000+08:00

I cant believe it will be almost 4months since I moved out from my old neighborhood.
Staying in a rented place is alright i guess but it sometimes creeps me out. I dont know whether is it really happening or what but I never felt like this before when I'm staying at my own house. This rented place have all this creepy sounds at night. I can still keep my cool but my mum I dont think so.. She is afraid of staying alone in this place. So, that's when I suffer isn't it? Have to be there most of the time at night to accompany her. Oh my! And night time have always been my favourite time to go out. Because that's when khai is free, thats when i go out to have my dinner, thats when the weather is so nice and cooling. Not that I'm a night person but even if I go out in the morning or afternoon, I like to take my time and let time passes till night. That's when I know I am really satisfied with how I've spent my day doing the activity.

And just to mention, I will be moving to YISHUN this 31st Dec. YES! FINALLY! My family's own house. No more paying rents. But I dont know whether to look forward to it or not. Reason being..
1) will be a challenge to meet khai
2) the house really needs a lot of renovation
3) I'm not familiar with the neighborhood
4) it would REALLY BE A CHALLENGE to go to school

The thought of moving out of woodlands..
Just imagine, my whole school life I've been living in woodlands and now.. once I have to move out of woodlands it is just so awkward. So, I just have to DEAL with it.

facade

2008-12-22T03:02:00.002+08:00

I've kept secrets and I feared what consequences it might bring.
It kept me deeper and deeper - this facade that I'm playing.
I've sinned knowingly that it is not wise.
What have I got myself into?
One after another - this lie kept haunting.
What have I become?
Slowly it runs through me like it did for addicts.
It kept me wanting more after every breath i took.
But all that was known of me is innocence,
just pure innocence....

HE STOLE MY LIFE

2008-11-27T19:42:00.002+08:00

i was just abt to start with my weight loss
when bad luck test my will to do so..bummer.
I LOST EVERYTHING! in fact it was STOLEN.
my hp (one of the biggest part of my life), my ic (fuck! i have to spend my pay making a new ic), RP student pass (just another year or so until i graduate), my atm card, roxy slippers (which was given by khai), my specs (sorry if i dun recognise anyone coz i cant see!). All was in my new CROCS bag. oh this is my favourite part of the entry, cursing the bloody asshole who have stole what is mine! NABEH, AKU SUMPAH KAU JADI BABI!
it was tuesday evening, right after school i met up with my cousin (NANA) and her friend to go jogging at Woodlands Stadium. At about 6plus we start our jog and notice a man who kept looking at us and our bags. He purposely jog right in front us thru and fro. After making a few rounds, we came back to the place where we left our bags, it is still there and the same for the man. So being convinced that it was safe we make our way to the work out corner. After we came back it was gone! AND SO WAS THE MAN! NABEH CB!

SO, anyone who wants to contact me do tag in my blog or comment in my friendster or u can call khai if u got his number.

pure

2008-10-24T13:56:00.005+08:00

Go ahead fulfill ur dreams, don't let me stop you.
I'll always be happy for what you've achieved.
What is happiness to me is to see people that I love become successful.
I can only do as much. to be your strong supporter.
Life is not all about me, it is about the people I love.
I realised.. Spending my time with family is worthwhile.
Letting you do what you want is valuable for a relationship.

As i stepped into this phase of life,
i became closer with my parents, especially my mum.
Leaving her alone at home worries me.
So, I'm always at home accompanying her.
Filling up her loneliness.
My small brother spend less of his time at home.
So, life for my mum now could be a little lonely.
If I'm out I'll call her up and make sure
she's fine.

isn't it wonderful if you could be innocent again?
why must one go through life with full of sin only to realise their mistakes?

let me be strong. let me repent...

2008-10-13T14:03:00.003+08:00

i would like to apologise if my pass few entries is all about how angry i felt. Im sorry cant help it. blame those weirdos that i've met throughout this experience.

my family's life is such a drama ever since we moved out of our old house at Blk 880.
renting a place to stay is such an inconvenience. People always find fault with us when we obviously were minding our own business. Our life is difficult as it is and we don't have to be so k-Po on other peoples' lives. But you know my parents are too nice that they get cheated, stepped at, taken advantage of. They are damn nice that when ppl do bad things to them they'll just let it be. Come on la! Do take actions and let ppl know that dey cant mess wif us. Im sick and tired of facing the same situation agn and agn. YES! i admit we do not have house but doesn't mean we have no brains to think for ourselves and stand up for our rights.

Peace of Mind

2008-09-27T14:20:00.001+08:00

We’re all wrong about the house tenant. They are not so nice after all. I tried to take it all easy but they are the ones who got a problem with us, especially me!! Who the hell are they to care about what time we get home? FUCK! We paid our rents and that is all we need! Not a fucking control freak who puts up curfews? Excuse me! You want to advise people on coming home late? You are not my parents!! Besides, I did not get out of the house late at night without their consent FUCK! Look at the way you bring yourself. No respect for people at all! This is supposed to be a fasting month and you’re guy and being the head of the family so set a good example for your wife and kids and FAST dammit! You want to celebrate Hari Raya but there you are not fasting. There’s no point celebrating ass! (not that I have anything against people who don’t fast but please have respect for people who is fasting by not eating in front of them!) What the hell is wrong with you being half-naked at home when you know there are other women in the house that is not related to you? Excuse me for having to use such words, but I can’t sleep now because I’m fucking pissed with the tenant especially the husband.

It has been 3 weeks exactly and now we decided we can’t take it anymore with the situation of the rented place in woodlands circle blk 727, so we eventually moved out of that freakin’ place. And now it is heaven I must say.
The part that makes me fucking mad is when the tenant changed the damn lock. What is his fucking problem? Is that how you tenants treat people like us? Controlling how we lived our lives? We can charge you under illegal confinement. Hell yeah! (Like you even know what it means) And here we are trying to talk to you nicely, but you raised your voice when my DAD is trying to talk to you. Did he even raise his voice? He’s there still smiling and apologizing to you (you don’t even deserve the apology). Look at age difference. My dad is 50 and you’re definitely younger so pls show some respect! The only reason we, the daughters of our father speak up is because you are so rude by throwing the agreement contract on the floor/chair in front of our DAD! Who wouldn’t be mad seeing people talking to your own father like that? If my big bro is there, there will be NO MERCY for you. Less talk more action. I’m sure we’ll be leaving with you having a black eye or bruised all over your body. Times like this make me miss my big bro the most. When it comes to his own family being treated like this, that person will get beaten up and he doesn’t care who the fuck he is or how big his body is or whatever consideration that we can think of. It is a GO for violence. “darah gangster katekan”.

it gets worse

2008-09-26T04:02:00.000+08:00

Must I always explain myself to people whenever I have a problem? It’s no point sharing to people who won’t understand. Life is hard and having to explain myself is tormenting. I just hoped that people can just stop thinking about themselves every time. They should start thinking about others for once. I’ve never asked for sympathy. All I’m asking for is for basic consideration.
Maybe it’s the way I bring myself that let people see that I’m all strong and got it going on for me. Well, if you are the one living my life, then you’ll know how difficult it is. Don’t you people take notice of how a person behaves?

At my age, having to be the one listening to each of my family members’ problems, juggling with school and finding a source of income. I guess that’s common nowadays. But, this is my life experience.

It’s been just a week I’ve been living at that rented place, and the situation gets worse as we go nearer to October. My family is finding it hard to handle the situation as compared to me. My dad is always working hard, driving taxi for income. After his company decided that he was too old to continue working for them, that’s the only job that he could get. And every problem that we faced, he’s the only one that we could rely on. My mum is working hard too. Every single day, sometimes without even thinking about her health and meals, she just goes on and continues with her work. Always tried her best to make me and my siblings feel comfortable at the rented place. Both of them always on a look out to buy new flat so that we can settle and get out of the rented place that seems to be such a torture. Adding to the pressure is when we all know that Hari Raya is coming. And we need money. My big sister starts smoking again due to the amount of stress she has to face. Besides having to take loans, paying bills and supporting our family financially because she’s the only one with the stable income, she’s lonely most of the time. It’s not because she don’t have a boyfriend, she does. But her boyfriend is busy working most of the time. And she always ends up breaking fast on her own if I’m not around. She ever told me when I was breaking fast with her, she said, “Every time I hear to Hari Raya songs its torturing. It makes me feel so sad.” I predict that tears would fall any time soon if I let her continue saying that. So I tried to cheer her up with my silliness.
My big brother is in Prison, that’s the only thing I could describe of his story and troubles. The most pitiful person is my small brother, my only “baby” brother. He’s 14 and craving for a sense of belonging. He can’t find it at home - because we don’t have one. All we have is rest and shelter for the night that’s not even ours. Due to the amount of problems, none of us could provide the attention to this last child, the baby of the family. So, he find his place with his friends and stayed late after midnight at his friend’s place because he don’t like staying at the rented place. My mum is very bummed out. She’s sad that my brother is becoming more defiant when we moved out of our old house. She’s worried that he would do stupid things. So, to make her less worried, I’ll be the one searching for my brother and bring him back to the rented place. And reduce my hours of sleep most of the time.
Yes. That’s what we are facing. I’ve been observing and the reason I know how all of them feel is because I tried to talk to them and understand them. I have a great boyfriend, friends, kak sarina and abg zaidi, whom advised me and support me. I guess that’s why I’m strong. That’s the only thing that keeps me sane.

Someone told me, “life may be difficult now, but in future after facing many obstacles, you will finally find some peace and happiness – that’s success.” Those words make me look at life positively. I guess that’s how I should be living this life. It requires me to keep moving forward and always look at the bright side.

blk 727, woodlands circle

2008-09-15T10:13:00.003+08:00

the past few days have been tiring. why? i just moved to my rented place. yes yes! all of u might have wondered why move to a rented place right? the thing is that we already sold our house before we got a new house. that's why..
so for the rest of the fasting mth as well as hari raya i will not be owning a house. so no visits this year ppl.
anw, im so bored now that's why im so free to blog. yeah..in school during break time. suppose to appear as though im fasting. so dun bother going down to the canteen.
i did a very bad thing ytd tats why i cant fast tdy. lol. oh wells....

staying in a rented place with the owner in the same house is so ergh! the owner might be nice and all but oh boy! not much of privacy i can ask for is it? i still rmb in my own house last time i always go out of my bathroom naked. haha. bcos i always get the master bed room where u have a private toilet all to urself. well, not to myself entirely la but u know what i mean.. now, renting a room wif no toilet. so i have to go out near the kitchen to get my shower. and there's no heater. i have to bath early in the morning before i go to school with cold water.. oh gosh! this is like camping. sheesh! there's no freedom of lazing around the living room watching tv, eating at the dining table, to use the kitchen to cook as and when we want to. there's no such thing now. all the happenings have to take place in that one pathetic room with so limited choices to carry out that kind of activities. so, most of my life is spent outside, in school, with darling, just anywhere out of that place. just come back to that rented room at night to sleep. yes! tat's how u shud treat it. it is like a hotel with lesser to pay and not much of convenience and service..
so, anyone want to hang out outside please do tell me so i can fill myself up with activities to do outside of that rented place.

wise man teach me this

2008-08-27T19:11:00.002+08:00

When you associate yourself with good things you'll get good things in return.

In order to be great leader, u must be good follower. and in order to be a good follower, u must be a good listener.

Following your dreams to success will help you to have the right attitude.
The stronger it is the better your attitude.

Result will give you desire and this desire will make you believe.

Feed your brain with the right information.

Don't waste your potential.

Don't let your age be your barrier.

Magic is believing in yourself. if you can do that, you can make anything happen.

If you don't ask, you don't get.

Lifespan is measure by breaths, not years.

Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.

For he who has health has hope; and he who has hope has everything.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage.

You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven.

As you walk down the fairway of life, you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.

Wherever you go, go with all your heart.

He who is brave is Free.

Imagination is the magic carpet.

2008-05-12T00:27:00.000+08:00

My love is the evenin' breeze touchin' your skin
The gentle, sweet singin' of leaves in the wind
The whisper that calls after you in the night
And kisses your ear in the early moonlight
And you don't need to wonder, you're doing fine
My love, the pleasure's mine

my heart's not a graveyard baby

2008-05-12T00:22:00.001+08:00

sometimes i wonder should i even voice out. even if i do, ppl wont listen.
but when i kept silent, ppl demand answers.
all i could ever do is just to keep everything to myself and not say the facts.
even my loved ones don't understand.
they thought they knew everything about me n they'll start judging.
n i'll cry..sometimes alone..& when they found out that im crying, their words seemed so sweet n all seemed fine. but the next time it happens, it would just be the same. im just fooled. everytime i did something wrong, they'll be so mad at me as though the world is ending. but when they do something wrong, i usually will forgive and try accepting it, they wouldn't spare a thought of how i would feel. well, screw it! i admit that im emotional. but that's just woman. no matter how strong, tough, fierce you are, you still have heart to feel for others. what's with the opposite who's clueless, only look at the surface?

husband & kids

2008-05-02T15:06:00.002+08:00

it all started when ksh showed me nurul aini's sis-in-law blog.n suddenly.. we got e URGE to get married. awwww.. bdk skg da gatal katekan. but really. the thought of settling down is like so sweet. OMG!

nunuu: http://etrangle.pitas.com u scroll down..this is nurul aini's sis in law blog. gt pic of her daugther n hubby. her daugther soo cute n her hubby handsome laa
cins ™: who's nurul aini?
nunuu: tt suria shit
cins ™: ohh
nunuu: handsome kan....\
cins ™: yaa.. handsome sia...aww man.
nunuu: i knw! then the daugther so cute but the hubby power ah
cins ™: ya i know. oh my gawd. i wana get married ah. hahaha
nunuu: same ah! dah gatal nak kahwin! hahahaha
cins ™: tats y la. i wish i dun hv 2 go 2 sch anymore
cins ™: e thought of ironing my husband's clothes. welcoming him back from work.like so sweet kan
nunuu: i knw!! then then i wanna be housewife..imagine looking after kids. aaaawww
cins ™: aww... we r all qualified gona b good wives. lol
nunuu: CONFIRM! hahaha
nunuu: then my bf lagi..siang siang dah kate..like if he come back frm work ah, then i must make for him drink tt sort of thing. haha
cins ™: wahhh.. nice. if me i a bit manje. i wan him to pamper me. cook 4 me
nunuu: hahaha
nunuu: oh my bf can go pasar..can sidai baju can iron all ah
nunuu: then i say..later dah kahwin he do all those
nunuu: then he said NO!
nunuu: hahaha
nunuu: he said : u yg housewife. abeh u buat ape?
nunuu: haha i said i duduk goyang kaki kat rumah.tunggu duit masok
nunuu: lol
cins ™: hahaha. den go hang out wif all e housewives right. go picnic la. go shopping la. kan kan kan?
nunuu: haha i wanna be tai tai. then then our kids can have play dates
nunuu: how cool laaaa
cins ™: yeah. den we go shop 4 babies clothes. so cute. omg!
nunuu: woah! thats the life i cant wait to live!
nunuu: but right...my bf warn me alrdy..i can be a housewife..but must cut down on my branded goods...
cins ™: alah. if rich already can wat. who say housewife cannot earn money
nunuu: hahaha
nunuu: i dont wanna work mah
nunuu: thats why
nunuu: or or or!!
nunuu: we all housewife open business
nunuu: gerek or what laa
cins ™: yalah. own a business. den let ppl work 4 u. all e profit u get mah
nunuu: waa...work frm home sort of thing ah
cins ™: how cool laH
nunuu: i knw! can i like get married now!
nunuu: hahahaha
cins ™: YAH. den if horny ah dun have 2 hold back anymore right
cins ™: HAHA
nunuu: takpe takpe..tahan lagi..hmmm...5 years? 6 years? hahah
nunuu: hahah!! what sia think of that
nunuu: cins horny horny!
cins ™: lol.
cins ™: really wat. now hv 2 control sia. cnt tahan.
cins ™: eleh. u also wat
cins ™: love bite here n ther. heee~
nunuu: haha now progress alrdy la babe

ok. i have to cut here cause e rest is confidential. lol.

2008-04-30T17:10:00.002+08:00

I felt like this before,
Feeling all down & lonely
It seemed so secure
but i never get over it

They thought I'm pampered
But all i need is a fire starter
They thought I'm too dependent
But it is just the way i respect them

When a student learns, they follow their teachers
When teachers teach they lead and follow the students capabilities

Men can enter a house alone
Women need company to enter a house
That's basic. But ppl tend to forget abt it when their mind is filled up with blaming and identifying ppl's weaknesses.
Where's your logical mind gone to?
I thought it is suppose to be comfortable not awkward.
where's the sincerity when all you ever think abt is how well u can do it alone but i cant. why is there a need for you to compare between you and i. i dont really need you to be the one accompanying me all the time. but tell u what, i will find someone who could accompany me not someone who thinks that all i ever do is depend EVERYTHING ON THEM.
let me ask, who made me become dependent on them? who promised to be there whenever, wherever? sometimes i just dont understand....... yadda yadda, now it's abt family, hope, freedom, the future. yeah i know that! sheesh~ i never thought that i had no vision in life. ur words seemed all round up and sweet. thanks. no matter what i say, you're right cause you're SOOOOO EXPERIENCED in this. oh well ppl, experience will take over YOU.

how original

2008-03-24T03:57:00.000+08:00

I always thought that I would grow up to be an independent person, a multi-tasker, someone who got the capability to jungle anything and slot in any activities in between their time.
Looking back in my younger school days in primary school, I think I potentially have that capability. Cause the fact that teachers praise me and friends being there for me, I thought that I could make my own legacy. In secondary school I’m quite involved and committed in bringing myself up. Being appointed this and that, sometimes among the top scorers. But somehow in Poly, it doesn’t work that way for me. Is it because I’ve been clinging on something so much that I refused to let go? Is it because I’m too committed to relationship that I became tired of proving myself anymore? Well, it made me too dependent on him alright. It is so hard to make the right decisions nowadays. I’ve been following and following as though it’s an addiction. Do I always think that I’m better than everyone? If that is so, why don’t you see the dominant side of me? Am I even in control now? I always envy other people who are better off than me. The same question kept creeping out from the graves. One moment it dies down and another it comes back alive. Who am I? Who I want to be? People always want to be original. But how original can I be?
I gave away things about myself so easily. I’m so vulnerable. I shut my mouth and my brain the moment the discussion bore me. I gave away my pride by doing stuffs that I wished I didn’t do. I gave away my usual personality traits from being the peacemaker and steady person to a one-sided, not a problem solver. I gave up working because of time constraints. I seldom socialize with people in poly. My every day life revolves around one and only person. It took just few hours, in fact minutes, for me to miss him dearly. How can I live with so many things that I’m not satisfied with? How could I make it happen when the person whom I really depended on change? I tried to be like my old self in primary and secondary school but the problem is I can’t remember where to start.

This post is meant for your eyes to read not your hands to tag, not your mouth to comment

2008-03-23T02:07:00.003+08:00

lately, i feel quite depress. i mean all the upsets about not getting a kiss and a hug, cant spend my time often with him(wait till he's in NS i would prolly b a crazy bitch), finding enough cash to go frasier's hill on e 4th of April, my laptop not having an adapter, and not having e time to meet my GFs i think i really need a therapy. that's y im always dragging my mother to go out with me so i could share a lot of my life "chronicles" with her. its great to have her but i cant really share with her everything could i?

2008-03-22T01:41:00.000+08:00

A kiss is special.
it is a gift of love.
it heals e pain in e heart.
it does not require one to speak.
it is to mark e beginning n e end of e day.
So, kisses kept are wasted;
Love is meant to be tasted.

what's going to happen now when the person you thought you knew suddenly change. Would you accept it or is it hinting you that the end is near? What you need is simple, yet you can't have it.

Maybe to you it is of no value. But to me, it's something extraordinary.

can a person thoroughly change?

2008-03-14T15:56:00.003+08:00

14 Mar 08, 11:58
fyplolitas: into falling sick from the rain.you know what?if you never wanted to join the team just say so instead of forcing urself.if ure not serious about your future then that's ure prob.but WE ARE.
14 Mar 08, 11:57
fyplolitas: hello?it takes one to noe one.brainless?come on la.ure being so selfish.it was raining heavily and you bloody want us to walk(walk? ther's such ting as bus?) to your house like as if ure some princess?if ure sick,dun try to drag us

welcome bitches. how dare u losers step into my blog n say all this shit. who are e ones who offer me to join in e team in e first place? hello! im good enough not mentioning names or whatever. i can always add in ur pathetic pictures n just b like thatbloodycritic. actually, i dun have a prob wif asilah n siti actually, not much of hanaan "miss harlequin" but a lot on>> AINI. its between e two who must have posted this cowardly TAG. anw, i wont block u from viewing my blog or posting tags in my blog. its for losers. coz i value ur loyal visit. so, ur comments is greatly appreciated. GEE~ thanks.

2008-03-13T23:02:00.000+08:00

my sister got a new resolution tat is to be e same weight n size as me. its gd to know tat i motivated her to do something. at least we share a lot of things in common. she bought a cross trainer tdy n i suggested to buy boxing gloves n a punching bag as well so tat she can let all her anger out whenever she have problems wif her bf so tat she wont keep it all to herself. she's so scary whenever she's angry wif her bf. if u tink im crazy when im angry, wait till u meet my sister. anw, we're planning to make full use of our big room. we're making e other half of our room into a GYM, so anyone whom got those exercising machines(whatever they call it) that u dun need anymore pls donate it to us. it saves u e trouble of carrying it down to throw them :)

2008-03-07T23:43:00.000+08:00

bitches, hello? knock knock? some ppl pls put sum sense to these brainless creatures. FYP is like cibai. wait a min, its actually my team. tat nabeh-cibais. missing a meeting with such good reason. those sick child just aint thinking when they send me tat SMS. i just feel like paying a bangla to push their dick down their pussy. oh im damn angry alright. u're messing wif e wrong person excuse me. like i said, stop saying fucking fucking in ur stupid smses if u dun wan tat to happen to u. if u like to fuck den go fuck dun have to tell ppl abt it. tat is just so lame child. im so terribly sorry to curse u ppl. but hey ho losers come confront me.

2008-03-02T23:59:00.000+08:00

today's e 5th session of my Shape Up Programme. n yes, im ultimately proud to say that i lost 1kg. haha. oh c'mon, it ain't that bad. my main intention was actually to maintain my current weight but if i managed to lose some kilos im happy of course. e programme not only emphasize on exercise but also nutrition. its great. if now ppl want to ask me some questions on health, it would definitely b a good topic for me:)

anw, home will never be heaven with my 2 brothers around. always up to something stupid. my so called "big brother" with his addiction(by now, half of his brain is most probably poisoned) n my annoying small brother who always creates trouble in school (smoking, fights, getting suspended). no respect for e family at all. how i wished we were still little. big brother looking out for e younger ones. so much innocence, love, respect. i thought ppl should change for e better but it's e other way round for them. i sometimes felt like screaming at them but it is such a waste of energy. i've seen my parents do that, lecturing them, crying in front of them but for what? these heartless bastards have no fucking brains to feel or think, especially e big one. it's like putting on an act every single day. such drama. if i were to film it, they might just won e best actor awards.
i used to cry when i think of it last time, but now i know that action works better than crying. It's up to me and my sister to be e role model in e family. i may not b e best student or best employee, but i'll definitely want to b e best for my parents amd sister, coz they deserve it.

complete

2008-02-09T14:39:00.000+08:00

it's suppose to be CNY but anw, im celebrating my mum's bday on CNY's eve! having BBQ at my place and welcoming my lost brother whom just got out of prison.

however, i don't really know what im feeling right now. im not sure whether to be happy or just be afraid of what my family would become when my brother is around. it's just too much that he had put us through. it makes me feel often doubtful and never rested when he's around.

but then again, come to think of it, im greatful that now it's a complete family. no more relatives or friends asking about him, often the replies that follows are all a bunch of lies to cover up about his sentenced. n now, we could live life truthfully and not just fake it. let him be responsible for his own life and let us move on with happiness and peace.

it's a great day celebrating mum's bday, special thanks to my mentors: khairul, cik ravuan, kak sarina, abg zaidi. For coming to my place to celebrate my mum's bday together with my family. It's like a reunion for 2 great families.

My own family and the FTC family.

the bonding was just great. it's a beautiful beginning for me and my family's future. often i cry because im sad, but now i cry because im happy cause i know the future is going to be wonderful for me. with Amway, im assured that our dreams would come true.

2007-11-02T02:01:00.000+08:00

1.
You want to conquer
The perpetual fever of jealousy?
I will tell you a great secret:
Just love and become one
With your oneness - heart

2.
Mine is the heart
That soulfully loves
Aspiration - sunrise.
Mine is the life
That unreservedly loves
Compassion - sunset

***

hate it when i have to pretend to be someone who i am not. i ain't a Gemini with the 2 totally different personalities. im a balanced and always stay true to myself. when people dont like me i just let it be. why must i put on a mask and bother about what people think of me? self-respect? i do respect myself dont i? I dont smoke, club, gamble, steal or even become an addict. i behave myself in front of elders and dont dress so "over-revealingly". it's all well-maintained. yess...usually taken advantage of coz i dun really like to explain myself for doing the things i do. it's so draggy and naggy having to speak so many and nobody is there to actually listen and take note. if you want to know things about me than you should take your own initiative to actually ask and not blame me for not telling you my mishaps.

why people are afraid of changes

2007-10-15T23:02:00.000+08:00

Some might say it's better to be safe than sorry. But whoever thought that being just safe could cause as much harm as not trying? In the absence of those pressure that they've encountered, there's a dream. A dream - just like any individual that lived in this world wants to achieve something in his/her life. Why not pursue them and obtained happiness? Why are there still a colony of people afraid to do so? Is it the lack of confidence for themselves? The lack of guidance & support? The excessive pressure from someone with authority?
Maybe it is just one word to describe it all - FEAR.
Behind these simple 4 letters requires G.R.E.A.T courage to overcome.
Yes.. Overcoming one's fears is a great achievement that could lead to their success. Just listen or observe those successful stories. even celebrities have to overcome their fears to be rich and famous and most importantly, be SUCCESSFUL.

2007-07-16T11:46:00.001+08:00

love,

im sorry for letting naivety took over me
im sorry that i cant appreciate all the things that you've done
im just so sorry that i'm being so sensitive
the thoughts, the scream in my head, so messed-up.
would it be ok if I'm with you all the time?

***

thanks to huda for e recommendation for me to work at FOX.
and so, i start working at FOX, vivo city last Saturday
a lot of foreigners! but dey r quite nice.
i hope with e current job i could finally pay my school fees.
get to do a little bit of shopping for ONCE.
get discounts from my fav shopping stores.
and have great great working buddies.

***

now, when my team members go down to do work in the MAC lab, i just sit down in class blogging. i hate the topic. i just cant concentrate.
we have to come up with a game using flash and make a web page again!!
u knw, sometimes i want to do something but i don't know what to do.
oh boy! what great presentation my team will have later.
i think i'll definitely get a bad grade.
apart from team contribution and participation which i probably lack of,
my bad habit of coming to class late give e confirmation that i'm gona get what i deserve. just now mr.amran let me see my percentage of missing the 1st meeting and it's quite A LOT! it's 18%. haha. just another few more i have to repeat e whole module e next sem. cb. BUCK UP BUCK UP!

***

PLEASE CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE!

crossroads

2007-07-04T16:25:00.000+08:00

"at every corner, in every direction
there are crossroads
it makes you wiser with your choices
accidents occur sometimes
but the choice is ours to make
most came across signs,
signs that will guide you through your journey
all that is left for you
is to know how to read them well"

at where i thought

2007-07-03T00:41:00.000+08:00

i thought i could find peace when i meet you today,
i thought i could feel the warmth of you body touching mine when we hug,
i thought you would held my hands to assure me comfort on our way home,
i thought you would wipe away my tears when i cried,
I thought you would stay longer with me to sing me a lullaby,
I thought you would kiss me over and over to show your affection,
I thought and I thought,
And so it just stayed at where I thought

2007-07-02T14:05:00.000+08:00

today's post is abt brothers
my older brother that is
i knw it's not nice to curse your own siblings
but e amt of pain and hardship tat dey put u in is unbearable
especially if dey hv yet to learn from their mistakes
even aft several attempts to forget abt wat he did in the past
there he goes.. doing the same old mistakes agn.

its like as though he loves giving hardship to the family
as though he dont have a fucking brain to think abt others' needs

i cudnt imagine such a person is living in my own home
tats e reason y it is so hard to forgive him
i knw if ppl dont knw wat happened, dey dont get y i'm being so mean to my brother
but once if u observe enough and knw wat's goin on
who do you think is the meaner one?
the heartless creature who only cares to give himself pleasure & give others hardship in return.
i had tolerate enough, my parents have tolerate enough, my whole family have had enough of him! who could stand a person who is so desperate and fucking selfish!
enough i said!

i cudn't blame my helpless dad for letting my big brother use e DSLR camera
my brother was so freakin' dramatically convincing.
once my dad have realised tat he is being fooled, it's just too late!
my fucking irritating stupid stone-headed brother who's hungry for drugs just sold e camera 2 satisfy himself. a camera worth almost $2K u sold it for 400bucks?
even a small kindergarten kid knw hw 2 calculate loss and profit.
i've told him so many times tat i really need e DSLR camera for school
there he goes spoiling my great opportunity & necessity
just bcos of his greed for pleasure
selling something tat i would treasure for life?
how could anyone NOT be pissed off.

just this morning i came back from KL for some business convention
& i receive this kind of bad news.
sheesh~!

2007-06-23T23:25:00.000+08:00

skipped sch for 3 consecutive days.
from wed to fri.
too bad it's a last min "thing", or we cud hv more ppl cuming.
my darling get e costa sands chalet for free for 4 days & 3 nights.
great isnt it? All we hv to pay for is e food.
get to spend my lovely nights & catch e sunrise in e morning with darling & huda.
how romantic. went for a night trail on 1 of e night. his fren, amin, is soooo irritating. kept scaring huda & me. but im not tat naive. i dun fall for fake sounds.
ther i m being all steady & stuff but wen huda freak out, i freak out as well. haha!
actually i was shocked la. terkejut skejap. tot wat happened. i was scratched & pulled back how can i not be shocked?
but was fun la! i was hoping 2 go 2 the "red house" dey've mentioned, but we r too tired bt den to continue our journey.
ida & shikin join us on thurs. it wud b great if dey could stay over night.
dey cn join us in e night trail. nevertheless, i really appreciate tem cuming.
it's so nice of tem to cum right aft sch 2 accompany me. muacks!
it's nice to have fun once in awhile & forget about sch.
but now, i cant skip sch anymore. i'll die a YEAR TWO in RP.
sheesh! i really have to catch up on my grade. it's really BAD!

for this chalet i had to make up alot of white lies. i cant help it laa..
PLEASE forgive me. Amin.

2007-06-09T21:32:00.000+08:00

its great to hang out with old friends
get to turn back time n replenish all e good time memories
unfortunately we don't get to do that often wen we r too busy wif our own lives
but once a while wen we meet up we definitely will have a blast!

went to miza's place ard 11.30 to have our santapan pagi
makcik miza ade potential utk kahwin. masak mee goreng ler..
mengingati masa kegemilangan, mcm2 bahase melayu kluar`kau!
MELAYU ABES! rindu cikgu asminah, aza, faridah dan sewaktu dgnnye..

ok. let's do all these in english for e benefit of my readers n myself
thought of goin to K-BOX at civic but tat bloody person at e counter PIG!
i feel cheated lyk hell! (tertipu)
e +++ sign is sooooo misleading. urggh! hate it.
that's wen we all decided to go to swensen's instead
it's so funny la. i will soon post all e pictures here.
it's wen few girls caught in e act of "not so discreetly" bringin some outside food
imagine having tuna from ur "pasar sebarneka" in swensen's. woo.
loads of laughs definitely, n loads of catching up.
talk abt bfs n sch n old times.
den it's camwhore time wif NEOPRINTS!
soon, we all settled at mcdonald where we hv beancurd.
erm.. doesn't make sense? i thought so too.. =)
with e "pancaran matahari" frm e glass window.
it's great to hv natural lightings to enhance our continued camwhoring.

i had loads of fun guys! THX!
hope to do it agn.

CINS

some things that i hate:

2007-06-08T21:17:00.000+08:00

1. embarrassment
2. non-constructive/demoralizing criticism
3. boastfulness
4. too hot weather
5. drugs

2007-05-30T14:07:00.000+08:00

I'm finally done with my PP project scope.
I thought and thought that it's so tedious.
But it's actually quite simple.
Only need one page write up.
I just start ytd and I can submit it tdy.
Thx to ida for her help.
So sweet of her to spare her time aft sch with me.

"No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow."

Perviously in class I feel quite out of place but now I think I'm getting the hang of it but yet there's so much lacking. But i bet it will get better as time goes by.

As I'm doing something fruitful in life, I notice more of what is going on around me.
The people who have touched my heart, the environment that helps me to grow and the love I get from those who care.
I really wished and hoped that the people that I really care about would see this opportunity and journey that I've embarked. I'm not just promoting, I want to help these people but unfortunately they have yet to see the great things that is ahead of them.
And now when I finally know which direction I'm heading to I have to go through multiple rejections. I hope these rejections will one day turn into support and encouragement.
And one day with that million effort I've done, I hope I can make them believe and together we will walk through that million mile to achieve SUCCESS.

2007-05-12T16:32:00.000+08:00

& so im struggling to find myself in sch
i hv facilitators asking me is ther anitin bothering me and such
at the back of my mind, i knew ther's sumtin
but i just cant figure it out
I always try to be cheerful coz its not worth reminiscing the past
but it has always been the same since it all started
i cudnt seem to unleash myself in class
ther's always high tendency that i wont get it
& end up i will keep all silent and stupid
the modules is getting tougher & tougher day by day
especially digital media arts
im afraid that i cudnt keep up coz i fail to undertstand
& ytd i found out that my FACi is actually my secondary sch teacher's husband
oh you knw our lovely Mrs.Faizah? yeah! it's her husband!
his name is AMRAN. no wonder, he looks familiar.
he said Mrs.Faizah was concern abt me and ask me hw im doin in class.
well, definitely it's not gd la.
i always came late for class and skip classes and my participation is very minimal.
GEE- wat great news? she might be thinkin wat is to bcome of me?
i use to be great in her class and so on but now yikes!
she must be very disappointed.
well, im sorry. i just need more time to warm up i guess.

*****

for these past few days i noticed that my brother is acting all caring and concern abt me. it's like wth la! i still cnt forget wat he had done to me and my family members. maybe it's time for me to change my perspective. I shudnt be so paranoid and shud give him a chance to change. but the ting is that he was already given a lot of chances but he had not change. so im just being cautious.

my sister? she is like keeping away from the family. i think she must be goin through some problems with her bf. but we need her to be ther. i appreciate all the tings that she had done for the family but i need her not to give up on us. everytime i sit down and talk to her she always tell me abt her problems. I understand her situation being the first child of the family. her responsibility is so great that i myself cudnt imagine hw i can handle it if im in her situation. i guess for now i cud just lend a listening ear. but i need her NOT TO GIVE UP ON US.

I'm in Control

2007-05-07T22:36:00.000+08:00

TAG TAG TAG
FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD
SPAM SPAM SPAM
FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
FINE! I WILL DELETE YOUR TAG.
nbcb

you know this kind of ppl seeking attn coz their blog is so not up to date.
they don't read your entries. they are complete idiots.
they will continue coming & coming & coming
& so they TAG. it bugs me enuf. i will ask who the hell are these ppl?
but in order to play nice i just rply their tag & hoping that they wud NEVER visit my blog ever agn. but they kept coming agn & agn until it comes to a point of time in which they've caused a misunderstanding btw me & my bf. & so we fought.
innocently don't know what is the cause of the argument, I just apologise but still this BLOGHOPPER spoils it all & it triggers me to rply sum kind of shiiit coz im agitated to do so. but by doing so it gv e wrong idea to my bf. & we go through the misunderstanding part agn. & so I'm tired. I tend to change my blog add agn. but it is such a waste of time. but still, i feel that it is e only way to delete off this whole pain in e ASS shiiit.

TANK concert

2007-05-07T22:08:00.000+08:00

i dun even knw who the hell "TANK" is but still, I find myself cheering, screaming and applauding for him. Somehow or another I just feel the crowd.
And finally, after the concert ends, I know that he is some dude from Taiwan who is not bad looking and have some fan club from H.I.M.
So you all might be wondering hw i get myself in this crazy shit.
The answer is simple actually. I'm in CAP (Campus Arts Production).
We have to organize events such as concert, etc and be the ushers.
Yada yada. call me "jakun" all u want but hey! im not alone.
ther's ppl lyk regina, ida, nad, trish, jill, claire & whoever in CAP for e first time but yet 2nd year.
at the end of the day, i tink i went home with a rocker voice.
for those who knw e song, sing it with me
T.A.N.K
T.A.N.K
ndjj klhg ljhg ig hgkhk sa hgkajkgj????

opportunity for all

2007-04-30T16:50:00.000+08:00

Back from the high hill I found my direction
This is never a way of manipulation
This is indeed a chance for your consideration
I will learn and somehow move emotion

the creative school

2007-04-18T15:07:00.000+08:00

It's wednesday.
Year 2s & 3s get a off day from school.
But NO! I still have to come.
Because of my bloody elective.
somehow or another, Im not all excited to be in a new class.
I know I need a new class but I dont go all jumpy and wee~
I need time to warm up to the new class.
Its quite a competitive class.
Almost everyone seems to want to say something.
They think they are all smart and whatever.
I feel like Im such an introvert but in real fact Im NOT.
I still remember the first day on monday,
the part when people start shooting another people during their presentation.
Oh its not literally shooting but its with words.
The topic of the day is interesting but I cant really concentrate with the annoying people around. Especially those weirdos in the creative school. There're damn scary and deserve to be laugh at. Ooh I know Im bad, so whatever..
Of course, not all of them bugs me. There were a few that I can handle and mingle with. There're quite laid back. And Im in the laid back company although I sometimes loose my mind and get all moody and temperamental. that is only during the shit time aite.

2007-04-14T23:59:00.000+08:00

You're mine and I'm yours.

miracles to happen

2007-04-11T17:08:00.000+08:00

Do something like how the sun give us hope to live.
Do something like how the stars twinkle in the dark sky.
Do something meaningful to help others and to help us in return.
Everything great comes with us doing something ain't it?
So why not do something and not just sit there and wait for miracles to happen.

Difference in Change

2007-03-25T15:12:00.000+08:00

There's a difference between then & now
It seems so bright but now it's grey
Feelings fade while you're away
Distant from your heart to mine

Time passes but I'm still waiting
Maybe it's all just fate
Hearing your voice, I think I miss you
But seeing you ignoring, I felt helpless

You seemed to bother more lastime
But now it's all different
I guess you're changing & so am I...

with love

2007-03-11T16:22:00.000+08:00

im missing a whole lot of fun with my babes.
yeah! i do miss them lots.
my old time sec sch girlfriends & my present day poly babes.
ooh! hw i wish i cud spare them some time & hv a "all girls day out"
i've been wondering, do i always get all tied dwn with work.
if it's true, i can't help it though
hw abt e whole week when im free? everyone seems to b so BUSY!
& i'll hang out with darling over & over agn.
i wonder if he gets tired of me? hahaha.
im not being all negative or what.. but.. u know.. u just got this feeling that bugs u all the time.
it hv already been 2wks since i started work. i still hvt get paid yet.
& tmr i hv to go to work at tampines mall at 9am. oh my!
i hv to keep waking up early in e morning for e nxt 1 week.
yes yes! im stuck btw "world of sports" & "converse". it helps me earn extra cash.
so, i shud b glad right? it's all in e business. "make new friends to earn extra cash"
aft all e work u've done, surely u wana pamper urself. so, i've planned to go shopping.
with whom? hmm.. most probably with darling, my sis & of course girlfriends.
all in separate times. woo! before indulging in all that. mayb i should save up for driving license & some for my parents. im not selfish ya' know. though, sometimes i am.. but that is only under desperate situation. =)

until i hv e time to blog, i'll end here for now.
catch up with all of you soon.

lots of love
(btw, do listen up to the song ya. do it with love honey!)

my valentine

2007-02-17T22:59:00.000+08:00

few days past valentines'.
& im here just to blog abt e "love"-ly day

14 Feb 2007
it's not as if I've nv celebrated valentine's day before. i did.
but e one tat i rmb have always been with my girlfrens.
e exchange of gifts. love for a few frens. a day out wif singles. great!
& of coz, i will nv forget that.
but this yr, it's different. it's much more special.
for me, I'm celebrating my one yr anniversary wif him.
a year when i discovered the appreciation for love.
a year of endurance and tolerance through tough times.
a year of sharing through both worlds.
it makes my heart skip n go "wohoo!"

its was a surprise so i was told to close my eyes when i was abt to enter his place.
it's cozy n warm despite e cold morning weather.
i could feel the warmth coming from those candles.
at that point of time, i feel like I'm playing some kind of a guessing game.
i duno what to expect. the sooth romantic music in e backgrd adds up to e mood.
as he held my hand guiding me, i followed his voice.
his soft whisper in my ear felt so tender however, assured that i won't b disappointed.
the nearer i am to wherever i was led to, the warmer i felt.
finally, he said "Syg, open your eyes."
stunned, i stood there mute for a few seconds.
i scanned through what was in front of me.
it was a display of things that i gave him for his bday, with a home-baked pizza in the middle, my laptop which i left it wif him e day before & a candle-lit breakfast. so romantic.
the table was set up neatly with plates, serviettes, glasses & utensils.
as i sat down, he said something like "before anything, i have something to show u"
he ask me to look at the laptop & find something that is different at the desktop.
at first glance, i found it. it's obvious & i clicked on it.
it was a video/slide show specially made for me. all beautiful memories . its sweet.
i cried watching the video. i held his hand and said, "you're sweet. thank you. luv u." gv him a kiss or kisses & a hug.
the necklace was a surprise. he told me that he lost the necklace that i gave him.
but ther it was on top of the plate. i realised i'm tricked in a gd way.
i felt as though the day past so soon. we hang out at coffee bean in e evening & watch movie in my laptop. it was cheap. but the is the thought that counts. it's wif who i spend the day wif.

& so that was how i celebrate my valentine's. it's simple, sweet, romantic, defintely full of love.

thx to darling. appreciate everything u've done for me. i would not trade you for anyting at all. u're mine & i'm yours. thx for being ther for me. luv u so much. <3

2007-02-07T15:59:00.000+08:00

this is myself, these are my sins
these are my regrets
i want to trade them in for some truth

they said..
"let it go! don't waste your breath save your tears for somebody who believe. Not to hurt"

drastic changes to myself i can't accept. I realise.

"just let it go, let it go!"

still wanting to continue. I said I must!
it's so typical of them to pull me down.

"don't bother. it's just you that have to change"

I only did what I had to.

"you have to learn from your mistakes"

I apologies. All the things I should have said to you, but i didn't..
I still have a lot to learn from. Look me in the eye and tell me everything I need to know.

2007-02-05T23:52:00.000+08:00

u noe the saying "once u're the middle child u'll always stay/caught in e middle"?
i discovered one strong proof today.
thx for reminding me. i get it. i will accept it.

2007-01-29T09:46:00.000+08:00

at this point of time i just wana take a moment to thank my lovely mother.
every morning she wakes up to prepare some food for me to bring to school.
no matter how late she have slept the night before, she still wakes up early.
my stomach is full now because of her. how wonderful it is.
if not for her, i will be starving the whole day in school.
cause right now, when Im feeling or was it just BROKE?,
i dun mind not eating just to save up a few dollars ya'all.

ok that's it. [act like receiving some kind of awards].
lol ppl LOL! -_-"

anw, i got this issue with a guy wanting to get to know me when they're NOT my classmate, cca peeps, or whatever of that sort. the problem is i feel weird. i feel as though I'm being stalked.
especially when they get my number out of nowher. & each time if i were to tell my darling he will make me feel so guilty as if it's my fault for attracting ppl. ergh! oh well. but i dun mind playing-hard-to-get. i always do that. it is to let all know that i'm not cheap and average. i dun gv a fuck if u think im snobbish or whatever. and pls.. just for all to know. i love my darling so much that I'll do whatever it takes not to harm the relationship. if you wana get to know me just get to know me professionally. being in the same cca or sumtin. & if get to know i have a bf dun just ignore me. if u do that, den i'll take that u're just the same as other guys with the same motive. not to be my friend but just to jump into sumtin more than that. fuck! cant u just take it slow?

that's all.

2007-01-11T20:46:00.000+08:00

im still frustrated with the grade that i got for cognitive last wk.
the fucking faci give me a C and tell me that I've not contribute enough.
like hell! knn. he don't even know what i do den just shut man!
it's not fair. im not being all whiny but he deserve to be described that way.
oh wth. for tdy's lesson i slacked like hell lot n most of the time I feel like sleeping.
if i were to get a C tdy i won't mind at all. but last week was unreasonable.
i did everything that i could even though i came late for class. he was the one who said that being late for class will not affect my grade. den there he goes being all shitty and stuff. oh! how i hate the fucking treatment.
fortunately, he won't be ard for the nxt 2wks. oh such pleasure..
tat actually means i won't be seeing him until the sem2 vacation break ends. wohoo! SCORE!
so, moving on next.....

after the lesson ends, i checked my RP webmail and found out that I've received an email frm somebody nxt door. usually all the emails i got would be announcements. this email is just some email frm somebody whom u expect them to send it to you via hotmail, yahoo, gmail, etc. BUT NOT SCHOOL'S WEBMAIL!
Subject: hey there neighbour
contents: Hey.. I really didn't want to mail you here but i ran out of options of getting to know you........
erm.. that's weird. im starting to feel that I have a stalker who knows my full name. oh gosh!
well it's ok. im good at pretending not to know anything at all. i will do what i always do. IGNORE! well, tat's me! besides...., tat person is no match for my "rasta" darling. lol. so you've heard. so get out yaw! haha.

so besides all those shit that happens, my class have discovered a new way of communicating with style yaw! lol.
every sentence we speak have to end with "yaw" or was it "yo"? hmm...
&.. we have to rhyme all the sentence and make it sound nigger style and "cool" yaw.
for example, "shit! motherfucker it's pouring all over yaw" instead of saying the normal stuff tat we usually would say, which is.. "Argh! it's raining heavily."
frankly speaking, i hate those ppl who pretends to talk that way. but for the sake of some laughs why not?

two people in one

2006-12-14T16:45:00.000+08:00

Two people in one,one happy, one sad,
Two sides of me,one mad and one glad.
There's only one side
I try to let show;
my feelings inside
the others don't know.

I'm two people in one,
as strange as that sounds,
the real me inside
no one has found.

Think

2006-12-14T16:44:00.000+08:00

Should you always say what you feel
Think, is the person you're telling going to be able to heal
Is what you're saying necessary for everyone else to know
Just because you're thinking something, maybe you should just let it go
Everyone else around you may not be as strong
Some things need to be kept hidden and you should move along
You don't know where that person has come from or where he's going to go
What kind of day he's had, you just don't know
Before you blurt out everything you feel
Think, is the person listening going to be able to heal?

2006-12-14T01:09:00.000+08:00

love could take your breath away
draining every litres of energy left
but then again, it could take you places
places that you could never imagine
sometimes it gets you thinking of your self-worth
sometimes it makes you angry
sometimes it turns your life the other way round
sometimes it fills your heart with ecstasy
sometimes it felt so sweet like sugar
but sometimes it left you speechless
keeping your every comment to yourself
not wanting to let go
causing you to lie just because you love someone dearly
it's so deadly. n in the end, who is to blame?
noone! other than your own self.
no matter how hard you try to tell the other half
no matter how many times you say "i love you"
the same question will always come back to you
"who am I to you? I'm a nobody" they will say
n it hits me straight in the heart.

i tried. i tried my best to appreciate everything about you.
i noe how you felt. i understand.

words like "fuck" is just to venge my anger out.
expression like "Argh!"means that I'll comment no more
language like "English" is when you know to stop messing with me
I need all the reasons why I shouldn't or couldn't do.
If you say "Don't ask! Just do it/don't do it"
I'm not a fan of nike. im more of a puma.

show me what I can do for you to convince you that the words "I love you" is true.

2006-11-29T21:56:00.000+08:00

i duno y i feel so sad rite now
it's nt like as if it affect me or anitin
i just feel for all those ppl who's experiencing it rite now
will it be my turn one day?
it left me to wonder...
everyone always hope for the best
but sometimes the best option is ntg but e worse

Atleast I'm sure about one thing rite now
I'm still living thus, Life still continues.

*your presence calms me down*

such a bummer!

2006-11-19T00:29:00.000+08:00

it's so troublesome to collect CE pts! DARN RP!
u only gain 1 or 2 pts for evry talk u attend.
n u hv to collect 40pts at e end of 3yrs. ergh!
& sumtimes u r juz plain lazy 2 check ur mails 2 sign up 4 e upcoming talk.
&& i hate it wen we hv to submit an RJ abt e talk! who bother listening to it?
if u even bother to observe, most of e ppl who attended were busy wif their laptops IM-ing
or even worse? sleeping!
& if u happen not to submit ur RJ, u wont receive any CE pts at all.
den, u hv wasted ur few free hrs attending e talk.
do so much but yet, in the end, u only get 1 or 2 pts.wth!
u noe.. juz last week i bother abt tis CE pts stuff.
So.., i ask ard how many CE pts evryone had collected so far.
n guess wat's e average?
it's 10pts! gosh!
i only had 3pts. dammit!
it hv already been more than half of my 1st yr n i only managed to collect 3??
i guess im lacking behind. so wat?
i cant b bothered. im too lazy.
but cum to tink of it agn, i shud b bothered!
i hv to start bothering abt it or else i wont graduate! sheesh~!
so yeah! im making much more effot now 2 gain CE pts.
so, anyone who wants to sign up for any talk, pls urge me to cum along yar..
it is much appreciated. =) woo~!

2006-11-09T23:16:00.000+08:00

If chance got sumtin to do wif all the big hoo-hah over tings den I must be wrong to take that chance. Risking myself and shaking the pillars and cements that support what we call relationship. Be true but don't be entirely true. Trust- gain them and not loose them. Excuses- unvalid. Reasons- valid, sound and truth.

2006-10-31T23:39:00.000+08:00

i've been staring at e RJ qn for 3hrs n i still cudnt put it all together. it sux. such an easy qn but yet too many tings to think abt until my mind goes blank. im bumming my head on e pillow agn n agn. my laptop batt is running low n im too lazy to charge. gosh!

the question:
What do you think about the problem today? Other then mathematics, what have you learnt from solving it? (teamwork/time management etc)

Told ya it's easy. i duno y i manage 2 blog n not do my RJ.

Maybe bcoz I've not been concentrating in class today. i didnt get enuf slp ytd n Im so tired. im frustrated wif all those annoying ppl. wat luck do i hv? having a lot of frens who's a blabbermouth? ergh! i feel lyk giving headshots 2 these ppl juz lyk e one u c in CS. n i kept tinkin abt sumtin or sumbody lyk HELL ALOT!
e fever, flu, cold, cough, heartache, e freaking itch on my bck is driving me crazy.

oh well. hv 2 continue cracking my brain 2 write tat RJ. i hv already been marked partial tdy. dun wan 2 worsen my grade any further do i?

PEACE

selamat hari raya!

2006-10-25T22:57:00.000+08:00

tis yr's hari raya is quite ok. but i still tink those old days r better.
i only bought 1 baju kebaya n tat's it.
the colour tis yr is green. duhh! (blame my mum 4 making me choose e colour)
lazi 2 shop at geylang anymore
e crowd is so ergh! killing!
u get frustrated juz bcoz sumone accidently bummned into u. shucks!
apart from those un"happening" moment,
e preparation still took place.
until i burnt my palms n arms frm e minyak panas
until i keep cursing n cursing wen making e kueh
until i fight wif my sister so tat she could take over wat im being forced to do by my mother.
anw, we all typically did celebrate hari raya lyk how we used to
but lesser visits on e 1st day of hari raya
no more real "real" grandparents 2 visit other den my step-grandparents
oh i c those little kids alrite. e cute adorable but irritating cousins of mine. argh! dey're so unbelievable! once u layan tem u cant stop. but still, dey're cute alrite.
ok. it's strange. tis yr, i dun get 2 meet my cousin, Aishah. oh u noe. e 1 who's e same age as me. everything e same. other den e height. lol
unfortunately, she juz left our step-grandparents place few mins right b4 i came in. awww! sad..
those embarrassing comments n questions i get frm my uncles, aunties n "people" still exist thou.
for example,
da ade boyfren?
da besar seh skg?
bile nk kahwin?
wah!! skg mate da hijau seh.. kencang seh!
of coz, other den those qns i still get those tat im very proud 2 answer
lyk wher i study, wat course i take, wat i wana do wen i graduate frm poly and those qns tat is related 2 skool. apparently, i find it easier 2 answer.
wif all those elaboration of my life. i feel tat im gettin old!
i feel so grown-up. but still, sum ppl still tink tat im e cute, kiddish, comical character.
now tat fasting mth is over, i kept on eating n eating. i cant help juz staring at e food cant i? hahahahaha!

btw, hope it's nt too late 2 wish all those muslims SELAMAT HARI RAYA! MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN.

Love,
Mira

less than perfect

2006-10-11T17:14:00.000+08:00

im not a perfectionist, neither m i a slacker
i do tings as it is but not to the extend of perfection
though, i don't believe in being spoon-fed n let others do all the work,
i believe in initiative when necessary
my culture teaches me to be responsible and trustworthy
the kind of fren which will stand rooted to e ground
the kind of fren u sometimes hate and tinks tat im selfish
but the real fact lies hidden, far behind ur naked eye
u often c my flaws. but wat u failed to c is e heart
so don't go around saying the tings tat u c worn on me
infact, u shud juz shut up n find e diamond tat lies within.

as everyone is less than perfect

the celebration

2006-10-05T23:34:00.000+08:00

4/10:
skip sch tdy wif my classmates. wee~!
actualli, the gossipholickers™ gang.
ida, terence, raje, richelle, firdaus n me.
too bad li keng n sasha cudnt join us bcoz dey hv 2 go 2 sch.
we wud hv a blast!!!!!
we went 2 e old IMH 2 actualli celebrate my bdae.
it's quite near 2 sch n hm. yeah2.
actualli, it was ntg much ah.
oni e ppl i went ther wif is so crazi.
camwhoring freaks! lolx!
it was nt as scary as i expected.
mayb bcoz its in broad DAYLIGHT! lol.
well, it's lyk a recce. rehearsal tour.
dey said wana go nxt time at nite. yup2.
NXT, aft 2hrs of playing ard a haunted hospital,
we hang out at CWP. den decided 2 watch movie
i actualli didnt fast tdy coz i vomitted in e morning lyk abt 8am.
so inside e movie theatre i eat la. WAT? it's in e dark.
nobody can realli c my face right? hehehe..
aft which we hang out agn ard cwp.
n we take neoprint. nice nice.
went 2 e bazaar outside cwp.
raje bought his "not original" hp casing.
wif my recommendation of coz. =)
den we go one corner 2 chit chat n drink water. hehe. i thirsty wat.

ard 6plus, met darling at admiralty wif his rock-climbing frens
actualli, i predicted tat sumtin was abt 2 happen.
i juz pretended 2 b blur lah. hehehe
u noe me. im gd at pretending 2 not noe anitin at all.
eventhough, i realli realli appreciate wateva u do sweets!
ther's pizza n bday cake. luv luv luv. hahahahah!
thx 2 all his frens too! it's great.
if oni i had pictures of it. oh well, it's unforgettable alrite.

at hm, i hv 2 eat another cake. as if im nt full enuff.
but its ok. 2 show my appreciation i juz ate e cake.
it's a nice chocolate cake btw. my favourite.
i feel so touched tat my dad n brothers stay awake n waited 4 me 2 reach hm.
juz 2 cut the cake. oh my! luv u guys!

to end it off,
i wana say THANK YOU 2 EVERYONE who wishes me n make my birthday so "HAPPENING"!
thx guys!

THX 2 DARLING!
rmb, u dun hv 2 buy me a present.
i appreciate evry small tings tat u do 4 me.
luv u so so so much =)

2006-10-03T10:47:00.000+08:00

sum of u muz hv heard tat my lappy have just been formatted.
Due to some problems wif it la. the files corrupted la. wateva shit.
hv 2 wait lyk 3 days not including the weekend breaks without a laptop.
n i hv 2 break fast lyk freaking late. ok. mayb nt freaking late
but still it's 15mins late. while i starved e whole day tinkin abt food. lol.
now my lappy is ok. n im beginning 2 take real gd care of it.
wen i mean real gd care i mean really really take gd care of it.
n wat had happend ytd almost made me go all panicky n erm.. scared.
ida's memory card is stucked inside my memory card reader slot.
n dey or shud i say "we" hv trouble taking it out.
ida called her fren 2 cum over n pull her memory card.
wif a SPOON! poke poke poke. oh man!
thx 2 firdaus! =) hehe..
dun u ever do tat agn ok.
it scare e hell out of me. haha!
u hv 2 put e memory card in e adapter or holder so tat it wud b big enuf 2 pull out.
anw, im nt all angry n all lah. im a nice person ok. haha
besides, its nt my memory card. lol.
ok. im bored n hungry n my cough is lyk so irritating lah.
anw, gtg now.. get bck 2 e lesson.. bye ppl!

oh oh! my fren sasha is bugging me 2 let her type sumtin in this post. so here it is im letting her type wateva she want. aiyoh!

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. mirah's bdae tmr. BUY PRESENT! :D -SASHA

advanced bday present

2006-09-30T23:17:00.000+08:00

i got an advanced bday present frm my dad.
he bought me my very own guitar. ooh bebeh!
mayb its nt an expensive electric guitar.
but its still a guitar. a classical guitar.
yahoo! now i cn strike it off frm my [grant by a fairy] list.
now i cn train myself on my own guitar.
thx 2 daddy! hahaha! u're e best!

ku petik bintang..
JENG JENG JENG JENG! =)

not normally me

2006-09-11T23:07:00.000+08:00

This is definitely not NORMAL. Atleast 4 me lah.

You ppl should know.
I do hv emotions. But i hardly ever cry.
It's hard ok. I tink i dun hv much liquid inside my body. lolx!
Even if i was angry, violence and loud screaming will b ard e corner.
But somehow, on this very day
I cried uncontrobably lyk a small child
Not alone in one corner
But on his shoulders which I never want 2 let go
I felt every word tat came out of his mouth.
U know y i worry abt u? It's bcoz i care 4 u. I luv u so much tat i worry abt u.
I melted. wth.
I bcame jelly. the tahu lembek u noe. awwwww!
ok. it sounds funny. but emotional leh. no joke.

2006-09-07T14:54:00.000+08:00

D&T/F&N EAST COAST BBQ CUM POTLUCK: 05/09 (TUE)
[8ppl]+[stupid jokes]+[camwhoring freaks]=[loads of FUN]
attendance: Naf, Mzh, Julio, Imran, Ksh, Nad, Melvin & Me
very happening day y'all. hahah!
who's idea was it 2 play truth or dare?
i tink i went home wif stomachache. oh my!
but c'mon ppl. i did hv my sweet revenge on ksh.
i made u eat those marshmellows wif butter, mayo, chilli sauce.
how was it? i bet it has this unforgettable taste to it. lolx!
oh oh! n the chicken marinate wif garlic pieces, blackpepper, chicken blood. ewww..!!. hahaha! nxt time cn play agn yar? *evil laugh*
reach hm ard 11.30pm n still getting scolded. yes ppl. i do hv a curfew. sheesh~!
n to let u ppl see the funness we had ther. i will post some pictures up once nad have sent it to me alrite. Wee~! =)

W15B SENTOSA PICNIC: 06/09 (WED)
attendance: li keng, sheng, sam, min,georgina, ying jun, sasha, mimi & myself
ard the same number of people. same FUN level.
but lesser pictures. more ball play n visible tannlines.
the sunburnt hurt so bad lah. aiyoyo!
main target 4 sam to laugh at: MIN
i noe i noe. u lyk 2 bully her rite? hahaha!
anw sam, cn u shut up abt e finger tingy? my PRIvacy ok. ASS U!

anw, i hv to take the mrt bck hm wif wet pants
coz i stupidly 4get 2 bring xtra.
how dumb cn i get? ergh!
reach hm lyk abt 8plus goin to 9.
so it all went well. i did came hm b4 my curfew.
the oni ting is tat, nobody cares. dey oni c my flaws! DUMB PPL!

it used to be teachers' day

2006-08-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

im so excited to go back to woodgrove y'all.
all the lame-ness, crappy jokes, sarcasm, laughter,
bitching n definitely the insane people of woodgrove. haha!
actually in the morning lyk abt 8am ksh had to wake me up.
u noe me cn slp lyk a log. the weather is sooooo nice to slp.
but we decided 2 go bck no matter wat. hahaha! too excited laaa...
we bump into dee in the bus interchange. wee~!
kesian din kene tgl ngan dee. wahahaha!
ok ok. we went straight 2 the sch hall wher the celebration obviously took place.
n first i rmb seeing or toking to is mr.junus.
he's still the same old mr.junus. sarcastic, which sometimes can b hurtful, other times cn b hilarious. n i tink ksh tinks tat mr.junus is hot. other den mr.neo. duhh!
all our ex-classmates, fellow graduates n teachers. oh! i miss sec sch man!
not forgetting all my redcross buddies n juniors.
im still sad to the fact tat Red Cross Youth was not as ALIVE as it used to be. oh well!
other den mr.junus, of coz ther's a whole lot of teachers ther. lyk.. mr.tan, ms.devi, mrs.lim, cikgu aza, etc.. yeah!
oso met wif darling n all the other people. uh huh!
so, aft the few hrs of exchanging hugs, hugs n loads of hugs, we took pictures n reminisce the past infront of the admin office. chatted all the way.
smp kene halau dgn moley. ish3!
so we went 2 cwp mcd 2 hv our lunch n man were we loud.
lyk ard 13-15ppl i tink.
ksh, pang, miza, nad, black, fai, izzati, xuenie, mich tong, sha(brocolli), adib n his gf. tat's all i cud rmb i tink.. all these is a mixture of e1, e2, e3. ooh goodies! we all were on the verge of being chased away. y? coz we were too loud!!
anw, we took neoprints aft tat. lyk ard 9ppl struggling to get their faces in it.
it is lyk a wrestling match i tell u. wOo~!
aft all went bck home. left wif 4ppl, hangin ard.. taking pictures..
oh! i so love the day man!
yes miza.. i m oso proud to b a woodgrover.. YEah bebeh!

the nonsensical

2006-08-29T00:25:00.000+08:00

it bothers me enuf wen tings dont go as i wanted it to be
adding up to the illogical way of thinking of my parents
i mean, cmon! u cant expect me to sit at hm all day doing housework
its my school holidays. gv me a break. i wana hang out sumtimes
i've done enuf of explaining to them
but no! dey still want to have it their way
oh gosh! i cant believe this
dey used to be one of those kind of parents whom trust their children
but no! aft e incident or tragedy tat happened to my bro, dey turn out to be somebody else. dey're lyk my aunts and uncles who is so over-protective.
atleast if dey dun trust one. trust the other.
now i feel lyk i hate my bro for doing wat he did. ergh!
unless.. for sum useful n purposeful reasons of me staying out late
lyk.. working? chalet? gathering?
the only ting i've been doing these few days was to do housework if not i will go jogging to release all my frustration
hv u ever heard of anyone over-exercising? well.. i wan to reach that point.
but im no skinny girl mind you. i still eat a whole lot of food alrite.
i juz find the satisfaction after jogging.
wen i jog alone, i feel the world on my feet. who knows one day jogging will turn out to b an obsession? haha! sori ppl. i only love 2 jog alone. yup2. its time for me to catch up on my own speed. anw, for u ppl out ther who cares. juz gv me a beep. n i will rebel my way through.

Sweet-Misses

2006-08-28T20:38:00.000+08:00

Times like this u feel like you’re missing a lot of people.
When u have got nothing to do during the holidays
Far from everybody else
Knowing that everyone is busy with their own life
Be it old friends or new ones
U still misses them alot
U know you’re not going to meet them as often as before
But then again, u will tend to forget whenever you’re with another
It is just the way of life
U hoped n wished when you’re at your worse

***

waiting for that call and sms-es everyday. Get a life!
one day in a month in a year in a lifetime, will i ever get tired?

spare me time like how the prosecuter spare the life of the innocents
give me the touch of reassurance to show u care
treasure the limited time u have n not let it go into waste
though in the end, i will still end up waiting.....

contagious

2006-08-18T12:12:00.000+08:00

im on medication for the past few days.so sori u all. i cant go out of my hse
i got a pretty bad eye infection. it's contagious u noe
it all started on tuesday afternoon when i got home from school
i duno from wher i got the infection from
there's alot of this green slimmy stuff in my eye
i keep cleaning it off with water, but it keeps on accumulating
at first oni my left eye was infected which turns red soon after
i dun hv a peaceful nite slp thou. keep waking up 2 rinse my eye. it was such horror
when the next day comes, both my eyes are swollen and red
as if i've just cried or punched by someone
i look damn ugly lah. i even had difficulty opening my eyes because of the green-slimmy stuff. it glued my eyes together when it's dry.
so yeah. i suffered quite a lot stayin at hm for that day wif no medication
im damn hungry lah. n cant c clearly. the eye infection is giving me headache. n i tink i got a fever. so much for skipping sch n goin out 2 enjoy myself. now i cant. such bad luck i must say. so in the evening, when my mum got bck frm work, we went down to see the doctor. He said that I had a eye infection may be due to my lenses or mayb someone spread it to me. I wonder who? He give me 1 pkt of small cute yellow pills to reduce the itch in my eyes and 2 types of eyedrops to reduce the swelling and reddish-ness. He gave me 2 days MC. but it's no use. My daily grade in sch will still b affected. wth! tat night i get 2 slp. thx 2 e doctor. it's all thx 2 him.
ytd, i noticed that my fever was gone and my eyes had stopped swelling. but my eyes is still red. so i lived the day doing my own business at hm. watchin tv, which i dun tink i pay much attn to. n slp of coz! i get plenty of slp. yup2. so i woke up in e aftnn 2 find out that both my parents oso was infected. hahaha! it was funny lah. dey laugh at me wen i 1st got e infection. now who's laughing now huh? lol. ok ok. im not tat bad k. i let tem use my medicine. n give tem some tips of how i survived with this infection. lolx!
so here i am today. feeling much better but hvt fully recovered. i wonder wen? oh man. its friday. i shud b outside enjoying myself n not STAY AT HOME. i hope i recover soon.. insyaallah... =))

i see sparks

2006-08-13T16:38:00.000+08:00

ok. firstly, i wud lyk to apologise to you people for not updating. im damn lazy lah. stupid virus juz got in the way. haiz..
Anw, tdy i guess there is a need for me to post an entry. juz to tell you guys what have been goin on wif my life nowadays.

on the 8th of August, the eve of National Day. yada3. went to watch fireworks wif ksh, fai, kok, ray, mizh, ella, syaf n his frens including my darling. oh my, esplanade was such a bad idea man. wat a crowd. i cant tahan the BO sia. luckily i was feeling ok that night and not damn unwell lah. juz recovered ok. so yeah. reach ther lyk abt 8++ have to squeeze our way through the crowd. sheesh~! all the sweat! all the screaming! one more thing, wat a NICE view we got sia. behind the stupid tree. i hv to admit that i wasnt that tall! Have to realli3 put up my head n look up in between the gap from body to body juz to watch the fireworks. anw, the intensity of watchin the fireworks was alrite i guess. met fizzy n azhmeera dey all. yeah. we said hi! to one another. yup2. aft the fireworks end, we all gathered n wait for all our FRIENDS that wans to join us. frm abt 6ppl to duno how many. we kept on stopping and stopping but yet have not decide wher to eat. i was so damn hungry lah. i bet the others feel the same way. juz that they have a higher tolerance level when they are hungry. but i dont! mayb im having PMS on that day. yeah2. finally, the solution come down to woodlands>> MCDONALDS! wth! walk here n ther juz 2 cum to conclusion to eat at MCDONALDS WOODLANDS! yeah.. wateva.. i was too tired to have any disagreement. juz go wif the flow aite.

ytd, 12 August, went to watch fireworks agn wif darling n his frens. yup2. it was slightly better. juz that im quieter of coz. im shy ok. lol. but the crowd was abt the same. the same thing, we had to squeeze our way through agn. this time even deeper into the crowd to make sure we got the right view to watch the fireworks. took pictures for the 1st time wif his frens. oh ya! we celebrated abu's brother's gf's bdae.. woo! tat was long! she is cute. we got 2 know each other. normal stuff. yada3. chit-chat. she is basically nice lah.weird ting, i did not meet anyone that i know ther. hmm.. well, its weird. such a big crowd. but not even one i noe. haha! ok ok! went home at about 2am n i was feeling damn worn-off. hv a great time tiring myself. *smiles* hahaha!

heads gone wild: not tat naive: superman

2006-08-06T21:25:00.000+08:00

im not tat naive, its easy to judge. But do you know me? What a question for you to answer. Let it flow beyond expectation. it might seemed that i only have one perspective, but i do have many. like the wind i change direction, like the wind i fly, like the wind i sumtimes destroy, create the utmost destruction. im not that naive. i noe it was juz a joke. i hv my way of testinG too, but im not good wen im tested for bEing a fool. A cow who follows, sayin>> YES SIR! YES MAM! I WILL DO AS U SAY!<< it is no joke when saying, try me? challenge me? if u say so... den im fine, i will take the dare. if saying sori 4 over-acting isnt enough? wat if i dont stand a chance of saying sori? i have to get the facts right. realising my mistakes i did too. apologising i did too. jump, jump, jump. so i jumped to conclusion. ok. i now realised that i hate repeating! im an impatient girl! yada3. hate myself as much as i love myself.

slithering snakes,dancing apes,singing birds,racing turtles,swaying thick trees,silky waterfalls. feelin' a lil' bit jungle-lish

2006-08-01T22:05:00.000+08:00

2006-07-25T11:29:00.000+08:00

To give and take. Compromising, accomodate.
Anything to make it up.
Get back on track.
It is time not to be pushed around.

the invisible

2006-07-22T23:59:00.000+08:00

the band concert was great. yep. it wud hv been much better if someone actually talks to me. but i was sitting in silence throughout. i totally understand the whole ting man. u noe e seniors meet juniors kinda ting. dun wan 2 intrude their precious moment. but yeah.. ignoring my presence?? dun even realise tat my eyes was watery n red not due to tiredness or sleepiness but i almost cried. not tat i actually wan ppl 2 notice it. but it did hurt my heart juz a lil bit. 2 b unnoticed. oh well, its their time. my turn will come soon. its time to b invisible...

2006-07-21T23:59:00.000+08:00

recruitment of team members tdy:
4 guys + 1girl (ME) = a grp of slackerz + Loads of lame-Ness

i cant imagine how open dey r wif me.
we r so comfortable wif each other tat we got used 2 each others stupid, lame, embarrassing n definitely disgusting jokes. i, being e cool n calm person juz smile n smile n smiile n go wif e flow. yep2. i got a chocolate treat frm tem ok. juz bcoz im e oni one who does all e powerpoint presentation slides. wee~ hv fun disturbing abOo wif tis mly gal which i noe, who is frm rugby. all he did was 2 point at her n den all e other guys in my team added n assumed tat he wans 2 get 2 noe tis girl which he dun wan actually. he was so paiseh lah. he hide behind his lappy. cute, big, teddybear he is. i was laffing none stop lah of coz.. end up tat girl said NO! directly.. den e others being an idiot, told him nvm, cn try agn nxt time. i mean.. wth man?? its not as if he was e one who wans 2 get 2 noe her, dey r e ones who assume on tings.. woo~ 1st time get 2 bully tis BIG teddybear. hahaha!! it was funny lah. n one more ting.. dey actually saw e lovebites on my neck n of coz.. dey made fun of it n say stuff.. i juz kept quiet n tried 2 cover it up.. n try 2 make tings better but..hell NO! it didnt help abit.. how embarrassiing was tat..? yada3.. so im so calm. i dun care wateva embarrassing stuff dey said. being so laid back. wat do u expect? ur hangin out wif guys 4 goodness sake. so hv 2 blend in rite.. one ting i can t stand abt tem is CS!! veri irritating! playing Cs wen e faci actually explain on e problem statement.. sheesh~ funny ting.. we all are great pretenders man. we pretend tat we are actually listening n understands wateva shit e faci is toking abt.. its all strategy. tats wat i have learnt tdy frm all 4 guys.. oh my!

turn me down

2006-07-17T23:59:00.000+08:00

for a moment i thought that it would be perfect
but what i thought is wrong
life never is
one side of it will always go wrong
but wat if all sides went wrong?
sch? family? relationships? friends?
where do people turn to?
there's a saying never look for trouble
but wat if trouble always find us?
is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
is there hope?
i neglected the fact of you around
and im terribly sorry
i tried hard to make it up to you
it did hurt me for good
getting back at me, i understand...
what goes around comes around

not a lips virgin

2006-07-13T23:59:00.000+08:00

ouch! neck pain.
erm.. love bites??
hahahahaha!!!
cover it up pls!

2006-07-12T23:53:00.000+08:00

fuckin cb la e problem statement tdy. idiot enterprise substitute faci. she sux big time. tryin to be steady all the time but wif her i juz cant. i cant stand it. how cn she say tat my team presentation is low in clarity wen she herself failed to listen to the explanation that we did say during our presentations. Its not how well we cn do powerpoint slides but its how we explain n effort put in to answer questions being posed by the floor. N guess wat, she cn still talked on thephone during our presentation! how rude is tat! she is nt paying attn to us n still dare say tat she dun get wat we are saying. GREAT!!!! such an ARSE! wen i look at her she reminds me of the lord of the ring precious goolem(spelling error). She resembles exactly e same wif e thinness n evil featured face which is kinda scary most of e time n i always blurted out laffing which i noe was veri rude of me. but cant help it. we get e same treatment from her, so.... she shud expect e same rite... sheesh~

Atleast aft sch wasnt bad at all. met miza n nad n hang out wif tem. man it was great to see tem agn. i do hv pics but now experiencing connection prob wif msn so can tpost e pics we hv taken tdy. it was cool. love u guys :)

2006-07-10T23:50:00.000+08:00

tis is 4 a fren tat i know

life is unfair i noe
but still wat makes us look up to life is wat we believe in
move on from bad times
appreaciate those good times
we've got the power to prove; to tell
no matter how much we wan tings to be the way it is
it juz cant. it seems impossible
u need to move on and get it goin
no matter how hard it is, u muz try
show tem y the truth is always needed to keep tings together agn
it is all tat it takes
but no matter wat..
thou, sum1 precious has shut down on u
juz rmb tat im here to listen n keep u sane
u can tell me anitin n i'll gv u a piece of mind
u tell me n i tell u
tat's wat frens r for......

2006-07-07T23:05:00.000+08:00

it was terrible
such horror to see family members fighting
i dun mean fighting as in debating or using JUST foul languages
BUT its realli a violent fight
injury. weapons. blood. HATE.
it was so undescribable.
unfortunately i cud oni feel it inside
but nt seeing the actual ting
such a waste.
dey get to punch. kick. step. bang. my UNCLE!
but i dun get the chance at all
i was celebrating my fren's 18th bdae wen i got home 2 find 2 police officers questioning and pointing their fingers on my UNCLE
thou, ther's numerous times i've seen tem
so its ntg new to me at all
but den i saw blood on the floor
i saw my dad bruised and battered
i saw perspiring mum
crying brothers
angry sister
tat is all the emotions tat i saw
but ME....?
i still got no clue at all
i was concerned about my dad's condition
as if he was beaten by sumone which he was actually
i asked evry1 wat had happened
but noone seem to have a clear explanation xcept for my sis
she was in our room smoking
stressing. complaining to her boyfren abt wat juz happened
i overheard.

the actual incident:
mum, being her usual self, spying on my stoned brother
she saw my elder bro wif e pills n syringe n hot water
she complains to dad
dad said, biarkanlah. tak kuase aku
mum got angry
she took a hammer n smash my bro's bedroom slidding door
evryone in e hse was shocked
my dad, the 1st one 2 stop her
but den, my UNCLE being the sebok one
pushed my dad n said, biarlah budak tu, biarkan die rest
so my mum replied, rest rest ke hape? hari2 cocok jer. bile nk stop?skg ape nk jadi jadilah! aku tk tahan lagi!!!
den my dad push my uncle back
so he was unsatisfied den he punch my dad
den it bcame a boxing ring
cn u imagine it?
my hm becoming a boxing ring??
den... blah blah
dey said it happened so fast
the situation was so hectic tat dey temselves cud nt believe tat it actually did happen
so.. after so much tat had happened
my UNCLE is finally kicked out of my hse
WE cud nt tolerate his nonsense anymore
noone cud..
free him n free us all.
another prob..
my big bro..
he said noone loved him
my mum n dad dun love him anymore
i cant stand it at all!
aft all my parents had done for him
how dare he said my parents dun love him anymore!
wat shit is tis! he was e one who gets their full attention more den the rest of the siblings! n now he dares say tat noone loves him!
ERGH! i got so angry at him tat i said everyting tat comes to mind.
i said all e tings above n also for e very 1st time i showed my family i cried for duno how many years ive kept tis tears within me
i cAN no longer hold it bck no more
if tis is wat it takes to make my big bro realize
i juz got 2 do it at tat moment

silently i cried at nite
noone to let out my feelings
noone to share wat ive been through
i cried hopelessly
missing sumone terribly..
it was such a bad timing
i wish u are right here wif me now darling..
too bad u went to camp on tis very day
i miss u. it was all tat i needed..

Split of Sexes

2006-07-01T15:15:00.000+08:00

An angel of truth & a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's a afraid of a wasp,
will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house,
sour as a vinegar,
sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute,
then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in race,
Enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy,
She'll be milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison,
And love you like mad.

The moods of a Man.
Hungry
Horny
Sleepy

The New Paper * NetBuzz * Spotted by Adeline Woon
taken from metalkidj01.blogspot.com

wat is written is true
woman is full of contradiction
but yet we have the power to go to the extreme

angry? nah... im cool.

2006-07-01T14:15:00.000+08:00

Angry skies
Angry clouds
Make me sway
Throw me away
Scream out loud
Point them out
Then again, I shall nt b moved
Unnecessary shouts
Uncivilised actions
Idiotic thoughts
Juz put it aside
I will b cool

2006-06-18T01:59:00.000+08:00

it hurts. it hurts pretty bad.
but wat da heck.
im so used to it tat i dont bother anymore
i hate stayin at home.
Depressing!
nt tat i hv bad parents.
they r great!
but cudnt bare e toking n freaking drama which
has loose its intensity n climax.
juz lost my hp which can also be said as STOLEN
n here it goes agn. STONING-DRUNKARDS.
wen got no choice due to certain circumstances.
juz lock myself in my room n turn up e music.
fuCK! i dun care! wat e hell who e hell.
juz ignore tem all.
the stringe. the pills. the freaking stoning attitude.
ARGH! wateva y'all..

the world is unsafe. even home can be so deadly n dangerous.

heart, hearts n loads of hearts

2006-06-16T02:35:00.000+08:00

the past few days...it was GREAT. spend time wif darling at his class chalet. outcast? not realli.. it was great.
incredible, unforgettable nite..
luv u so so so much.. heh'

i will remember
wen u make me smile
wen u joke wif me
wen u care
wen u r ther 2 cheer me up wen im down
wen u kissed *uncensored*
wen u touch
everyting abt u makes it worth 2 remember

LASTLY, wish U
HAPI 18th BDAE darling..

loving every moment i spent wif YOU.

same vs different

2006-06-11T00:15:00.000+08:00

ive seen it all
ive seen tis drama before
the same story line but oni wif different actors/actresses
but yet nothing have changed for the better
am i too much for them to wonder?
back then, when i first saw u being arrested
when i saw ur hands being cuffed
i knew tat it wud happen again
trust. respect. discipline
u dun have it at all
all u have or perhaps wat u r is
selfishness. ignorant. undiscipline
such a cruel world u may tink
but i tink otherwise
i know wat makes us so different
i know how to differentiate between right n wrong
i know how to feel for others
i may be young n hv loads to learn from but
i also know tat i wont b young forever
tas y i learn from the experience tat ive gained
or even the experience from others
i do not crave for attention lyk how u did
i see life as a challenge for me to improve
but u on the other hand tinks tat the world has shut down on u
eventhough u r e one who shuts it down from urself
u seek sympathy when obviously u dun even deserve it
u loose tat trust
u loose tat respect
u dun have disciplne to improve, to change
perhaps u shud never even b borned

2006-06-01T09:50:00.000+08:00

Well, this is definitely a Great start for me. Waiting for the results of the interview I’ve attended last week makes me wana pee in my pants over and over again. Not that I actually did. But what the heck, I’m proud to announce that I’ve made it through for the next round! Wohoo! I’m so surprised and excited at the same time. I can’t actually believe I’m selected after making such a fool of myself during that interview. It’s such a miracle. It does happen sometimes. EMP, the coolest IG around. Well, that’s what they said. But still, I must not be too excited coz I’m still in 6 months probation until I’m permanently an EMP member. Rugby is just another IG for me to keep myself fit and to challenge my physical strength. Must balance both these IGs and make sure the workload is not overloaded if want to put it in that way I guess.
So, I’m invited to the welcome tea session and yeah! Made frens quite a bit and exchange number. That’s what they always do during interaction time. One more thing to add on, the chocolate fudge was damn NiCE.. Furthermore it’s chocolate! What can U expect?! Haha! My favourite! Cool huh? hehehe

2006-05-30T23:32:00.000+08:00

Seeing U cry once already tore me into pieces
What more if I see U cry over and over again almost everyday

I'll try to be strong for U
I'll try to tink Positive
I'll try to give U my support
I'll try Not to add Up to Ur Stress
I'll try to work hard in everything I do..
I'll try... bcoz U've carried me in Ur womb for almost 9mths.
I understand Ur pain.
I feel wat U feel coz I noe it's hard 4 U.
But pls remember I'm here for a reason.
Not to do everything for my satisfaction but
to provide U wif what U deserve to hv.

2006-05-29T23:15:00.000+08:00

Frankly speaking, I really3 HATE interviews and auditions especially those that have 10pairs of eyes staring at U. Observing your every single move and e way U respond to the QUESTIONS that is being asked. Although U already expected what questions u're gona b asked but still U hv difficulty in answering tem coz of the atmosphere that dey put U in tat cause U NOT to b urself.
ARGH!! i feel tat if only miracles happened n tat dey cud gv me a 2nd chance, I would definitely potray myself better and show tem more of my personality.

I totally SUCK at convincing people about my commitment verbally. I need to show tem through actions tat is being made, my attitude/behaviour towards tat particular IG(in this case).

I will tend to repeat myself over and over again and trying hard to contradict myself rather than providing tem the evidence and details of wat contribution I cud do for EMP. Like hell! Furthermore, I can say tat I'm nervous out loud to the interviewers in tat room... ARGH!!! if I were to put myself in the interviewers' shoes, I would NEVER pick ME...it's lyk NEVER EVER lah......

NOw, another ting to worry about........
"THE RESULTS"...ShuCks!

2006-05-26T21:18:00.000+08:00

Talking about wat IG(interest group) I wana join in RP.
I'm permanently gona b a "Touch Rugby" member.
I guess I dun hv to go 2 e beach juz to tann my body.
I will naturally b tanned by the end of my 3rd yr in RP.
Oh gosh!
Well..I've been considering to join EMP(electronic music production)
But it's so troublesome..
I mean, we have to go through interviews n stuff to finally b selected for e IG.
My interview slot will b this cuming Monday.
Im afraid I wont get it.
Can I show tat I wana join e IG so bad?..
Can i show tat I'll b committed juz for tat 1hr of intense conversation?..
Hope i make it....... Coz producing music has been my interest for as long as I cud remember.

Comparing secondary school boring MAths lesson wif poly's BORING maths lesson.
It is tougher these days.
Apart from those complicated sums U hv 2 solve
U hv 2 juz work all those computer programming by urself
without even a single help from ur facilitator.
Like HELL i dun understand!
But...I muz say.. it's easier 2 skip MATHS lesson in poly.
N I LOVE it! LOLX!
Almost half of my class skip maths module today..
We go back home halfway during the break.
it's guaranteed tat all of us gona get a BIG "F" 4 tdy's grade..
But it's ok.. dey will take 14 days out of 16 days in order 2 grade us for the whole module 4 semester 1..
This is wat we call.. CLASS spirit! involve others 2 participate.. WAHAHAHA!

2006-05-23T20:54:00.000+08:00

Fuck thoSe people who bring me down.
Fuck those people who thinks tat I'm dead n nO longer living.
Fuck those people who misjudged me.
Fuck those people who has no sense of appreciation.
Fuck those irritating people.
Fuck PRESENTATION.
Fuck MATHS....AGAIN!
Fuck! I'm ANGRY!
Fuck! the sight of u make me wana puke..
Fuck DRUG ADDICTS!(destroying ur own life as well as others)
FUCK! I've lost my trust in U.
ARGH!!!!!!

2006-05-15T21:03:00.000+08:00

Oh wow! I've gone to many3 camps before but this is the best so far..
CAMp OrioN 2006 ROckS!!
My team is the best.
We are the god of the SUN,
or shud i say goddess of the sUn.. wahaha!!
HELiOs Oi...!
Miss U guys..
Stay iN tOuCh alrite!
i'll provide the links for U guys 2 enjoy once
I've got all the photos ready..

..Peace..